I can imagine how the Webby Tiger Piss posts below may look to the casual Internet surfer who happened upon this section of Balzertown, and oddly enough, I had similar reactions when I woke up mornings to find that I had posted them the previous night.
See, I used to take Ambien, among other things, to keep insomnia at bay. It’s mostly because of my Conversion Disorder, where body spasms and such wake me up throughout the night. Combine that with sleep apnea and I need all the help I can get.
Well, even with the Ambien, there were those occasional nights when I was up, anyway.
And that’s when, apparently, the fun began. I’d wander around the house in a goofy state and do the strangest things. Usually, my ex-wife, Robin, was asleep but she woke up at times to witness these things. When she told me the next day, I was completely shocked.
Then one night in November of 2011, it happened to kick in while I had the laptop in front of me and I made a blog post in full-on Ambien gear. It was titled “Webby Tigger Piss” and friends were emailing me to see if I was okay. They also couldn’t figure out my obsession with frozen tiger urine on that night. For the record, the title was originally a typo for “tiger,” so please don’t sue me, Disney. To this day, friends still refer to this mind state as getting all “Webby Tigger Piss,” so readers may see that phrase often as opposed to using “Tiger.”
Before getting into the archives, I’d like to explain the mystery behind the frozen tiger piss. The “webby” part, by the way, was most likely because my vision was all crazy and the laptop screen looked distorted.
Shortly before that night, I paid a visit to my neurologist in Columbia, MO, and as we were returning home, we stopped at a gas station where I picked up some Twizzlers and a Starbucks coffee drink.
When I returned to the car, I looked straight ahead at the big ice chest sitting in front of the convenience store… and I nearly shit myself laughing. It’s better if I simply offer a picture of it that I took on a later trip:
I blotted out the phone number so they wouldn’t get hounded about it. Now, they have to know what this looks like. Come on! Yellow-ish letters with a phrase that says, “Makes it taste better!” I still want to know what is put in ice that changes the taste of anything… unless perhaps the tiger pissed in it. That’s all I’m saying.
When my mother got in the car, I pointed it out to her without offering my opinion, and even she, whose mind isn’t so close to the gutter, said, “How does the ice make it taste better? Did the tiger pee in it?”
So I know I’m not the only one. I’m totally not trying to piss (no pun intended) on the people selling it because I’m sure the ice is fine. I simply get a kick out of what they did to promote it. Hell, I hope some people in the area see this and buy it just so they can say they got some frozen tiger piss. It would be a fun novelty!
Okay, back to this part of Balzertown.
Some folks out there may be thinking this is fake, that I’m making it up here and there for whatever reason. Not true. Besides, I have enough fun typing off-the-wall posts when I’m not on Ambien. This stuff is when I’m completely out of my head, and it’s new to me the next day. I find it quite funny as a result, and I wanted to keep a log of it for giggles, and for the very real fact that I cannot make this shit up.
There were times when I even created memes! My typing was better on those. I was obviously not as far gone as other posts or I wouldn’t have been able to create the memes at all. Still, some of them are pretty out there. There are other times when I simply went off on memes that were already posted.
Anyway, I hope that you can join in on my laughing at myself here: